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But What If I'm Not Okay?

You are not always going to be on top of the world.

(There. I said it. I admitted it to myself most of all.)

You are not always going to be able to get out of bed and reorient yourself and breathe in deep and realize that the world is beautiful and you are a part of it and it’s all gonna be okay. You are not always going to be in the high points of recovery. Sometimes, it’s going to suck.

The hard truth of it is that sometimes you wake up and it feels like somebody is sitting on your chest and you fall asleep the same way. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re collapsing inward, or you’re just tripping through a bunch of grey fog and trying not to fall asleep, or your whole life is something too fast and it’s spiraling out of your control.

Some weeks or days or months, it just sucks.

That’s been the past two weeks or so for me, if I’m being vulnerable. Stressful changes in my life (not bad, just new) and a busy schedule and the winter ickiness and a nasty virus have all combined to make me feel a little more every day like I’m destroying myself, backsliding down the mountain I worked so hard to climb. Some mental health issues and habits I haven’t dealt with in a while have crept back in now that I’m tired and stressed and don’t know how to deal.

I’ve spent more than a few nights not being productive, instead curled up on my floor trying to figure out how did I get here in the first place?

I have to wonder if I’m doing something wrong. It’s possible that I just wasn’t vigilant, or I starting being lazy. I’m not practicing self care as much. I stopped thinking positive. I did something, or didn’t do something, and now I’m here again, and it’s all my fault.

Or, sometimes it’s just a rough period.

This is not your fault. This is not my fault. There are factors around us — weather, events in our lives, the horribly slippery thing that is mental illness and the way it works in our brains — that we cannot control, and we react to those things in natural ways. We have control over how we react to those things, but a bad period is not always the result of us doing something wrong.

Sometimes, the rough weeks are inevitable.

Sometimes, you’re just not going to be okay.

It’s not a good thing to realize. It’s not even very satisfying or comforting. But that’s the truth of it. You are not going to always be able to hold yourself up, or fend off everything. You are not always going to be able to think enough positive thoughts or drink enough water to not feel anxious, or depressed, or lonely. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of riding out the storm.

You’re not stuck. There are things we can do. “Positive thoughts” and water and blankets and exercise (I know, I hate myself for it too) certainly always help, and there are always things you can do to combat whatever’s inside you. But, in the end, sometimes it’s enough to just take a deep breath.

This is not going to last forever.

(tell yourself that once or twice or five times an hour, however many times it takes for it to stick.)

This is going to pass.

You are going to breathe through it.

There is nothing wrong with having a rough time, with not doing so well.

There is nothing wrong with not being okay.

Just keep going.

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